My Mind Keeps Telling Me No, but my bodeeeeeee...

Kelly and I are different in that respect. My mind will tell me "yes," and my body tells me "no." As I'm on this quest to grow spiritually, and to become more at peace with myself, the constant challenge of listening to my inner guidance verses the logical mind comes up constantly. Example, almost exactly a year ago, I made the pilgrimage to the great city of Detroit. I was offered a job that paid well, and it was in the field that I'd previously been in for the past 11 years. I knew very well that I was tired of Advertising, and it wasn't my passion, but the money was hard to resist. Right then and there, my mind took over. Logically, the givens were, you have a mortgage, a considerable amount of debt, and a desire for change, and to live abundantly. However, being that I've been studying spiritual law, intuition, faith, and all that stuff, I knew that if my heart wasn't in it, no good could come from it. Unfortunately, I didn't follow my inner guidance, so boy was I in for a ride.

So as soon as I arrived, I immediately started hitting myself in the head (literally) for going against my inner guidance(God). I paced back in forth crying in my less than desirable loft apartment. What had I done? I left my "Sex and the City" lifestyle on a budget (minus the sex :( sad face). To go to a depressed city, and to a high stress job that I didn't want. To make a really long story short. My introduction to the job, was like BOOYAH FOOL YOU DIDN'T LISTEN, NOW YOU MUST PAY. We worked until 5 in the morning my first three days, and I was operating on fumes because I'd literally just moved my stuff, and had to go to work (thanks to my partner who requested that I come in.) Back up, let me clarify one thing, I don't believe in punishment, however, I do believe in consequences for your actions, and what you put out you get back. The term payment, is only the way that I know how to describe the feeling of not going with my gut or God on my decision. So, I worked almost every weekend and holidays for about 2 months, and then 2 months of on and off foolishness, to get as they say "laid off due to company cutbacks." A fancy way of saying, "Bitch we don't like you, your attitude, or your work, KICK ROCKS and here's a BITCH ASS SEVERANCE PACKAGE FOR YOUR TROUBLES!"

Now let's look deeper into the matter, because a lesser person would blame them. THEY DID THIS TO ME! However, we all know that Dena tends to turn everything inside, and is able to look at everything objectively. RIGHT? Kind of. I do know how to see myself clearly even if I don't admit it to you, but things I know are: Dena has a tendency not to show enthusiasm. Dena doesn't like to anywhere against her will for more than an hour, SO THOSE LONG ASS FUCKED UP HOURS WERE FOR THE FUCKING BIRDS!!!(Pardon me I don't usually write like that)Dena loves freedom. Dena can be destructive. Dena is a powerful being, and people don't understand her energy, so they usually write it off as negative.

(Example, everybody can be mouthing off about how they hate their job, but who gets heard? You guessed it DENA!) "Dena. She's controlling people." THAT SHIT WAS ACTUALLY EXPRESSED TO ME once by one of my former boss's confidants. REALLY? I wish that I knew my own strength. Anyhow, back to what Dena knows about Dena. Dena knows that she likes to be the center of of attention, BUT ONLY ON DENA'S TERMS. Dena knows that she can't speak confidently, if she doesn't believe in something. Dena knows that she tends to clam up when it's time to perform, if she doesn't know every detail. Dena knows that when she doesn't want to do something, you're wasting your energy trying to convince me. Dena knows that Dena is very very very sensitive, and will cry at a drop of a hat. Dena knows baseball. Dena knows when people aren't feeling Dena. Dena knows when people are lying. Dena knows she needs to get out of her head. Dena knew that she made a bad decision the moment she accepted the job. Dena knows that she doesn't blame those people for "laying her off." Dena knows that she would laid her off too. Dena knows she met nice people there. Dena knows that somewhere deep down inside Aubrey is still playing that "Intervention" video at work. Dena knows she's lost the two readers that she had, and must reel herself back to the moral of the story.

So the moral to the story is. PAUSE... TAKING A MINUTE TO FIGURE IT OUT. So the moral to the story is, when you go against you gut/inner guidance/God/intuition or what have you, the outcome can only take you off course. Mind you, while in Detroit, I had some very enriching experiences. I met good people to add to my Facebook list. I discovered my inner vixen(pole dance). I took a chance. I grew to appreciate Chicago. I became more dedicated to working out. I incorporated affirmations into my life, which attracted a stalker(next blog on the power of affirming).

However, in going against the gut, I became somewhat ill. My blood pressure went up, I began having Tony Soprano-esque anxiety attacks to the point of where I couldn't move. One instance, I was in the gym, and out of nowhere, my heart started racing, my stomach started cramping, and I was dizzy beyond belief. I had to get myself in an inconspicuous way to a bench to sit down, while feeling like I was going to pass out. At that point, I knew it was only a matter of time before this adventure in Detroit was up. I began having dreams that I was fighting with my creative director, (man I wanted to punch his little Boys to Men ass on a daily, but I'm non violent.) I knew that that since I knew the law, that my decision was creating these responses in my life. Do you know that I actually wished that they would fire me after being on the phone with my Creative Director at 2 am over the Fourth of July weekend? I kept thinking about it, so what happens the Universe/God, said "As you wish Dena." July 29th, my brother's birthday. I got a call from HR saying that they wanted to speak to me, so I picked up my purse and headed up there. DENA KNEW WHAT THAT CALL MEANT. I remember the Hr chick saying to the other one, "Wow, she brought her purse." I then said, "I knew it was coming." They said how. "I said I'm clairvoyant." Then while they started reading my the walking papers, I just stared off into space in a daze, like WOW This shit is really happening. I was scared and elated at the same time. I wanted out that Bitch SOOOOOOO bad. I packed my place so fast, and headed to Beverly, I mean Bronzeville. I got my wish, but nevertheless, all of that could've been avoided, had I just listened and been obedient, but oh well. I'm back in Chicago, doing this blogging THANG, and Graphic Design THANG, working to be obedient to the process. I actually just had a melt down today, but this too shall pass, and on to the next adventure.